Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He did a backflip because drugs
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
