You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
