I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
