I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
