if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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