Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
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