At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
