I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize