My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Two words: blizzard sex
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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