So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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