your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
