I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
