Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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