thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
