haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
