there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
