My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
