Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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