I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Randomize
