I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
