Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
