Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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