You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
