we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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