just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
she told me i tasted like america
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
