When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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