It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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