i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
