Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
