That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
