it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
