god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
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