I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
It was like getting head from an anaconda
ttyl tear gas
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
