remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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