im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You've changed since you got that strap on
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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