Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
When did angry sex become our thing?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
