so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
