Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
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