He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
pray to the hookup gods
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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