So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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