Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
