Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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