coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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