he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
