The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
