My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
