Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize