So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
