Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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