and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just found puke in my bra..
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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