apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
