I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
