that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
