my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
