you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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