she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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