just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
