Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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