come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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